Living with fear

I don't know how many people, Christians  in particular live with fear in their life, but I know for me fear is a very real thing. And I know that as Christians we are told that perfect love casts out all fear and that God has not given us a spirit of fear. But fear is real and I think many Christians don't want to admit how big of  a role it plays in their life.

It's hard not to let fear control our thoughts and weigh on our mind. For me I fear what I know can happen, the 1000's of what ifs. For years I've refused to face my fear and instead lived in denial. I told myself I wasn't afraid, but I am. If I'm honest Fear has controlled me for most of my life.

I'm afraid to die, even more afraid of dying alone, I'm afraid to lose another person I love to death. I used to say I couldn't bear to face that but now I know that I CAN bear it, but the truth is that I don't want to. I don't want to suffer, I don't want to hurt. I just want a life of peace, grace and mercy. I want to be happy and content but fear weighs me down. Fear of the unknown, fear of confrontation, fear of anger and strife, fear of sickness, disease. Fear of what people may think about me or say about me.

How do I live a life without fear? Even my dreams and hopes and plan are scary to me, what if I don't ever reach them? What if I never reach my goals? What if my life ends up a failure? Traveling is dangerous, it's scary, being open is scary what if I offend someone? What if someone offends or hurts me? It's so much easier to live in my shell, behind my wall, secure and safe with my small circle of family and friends.

But what if I miss out on the best friendship of my life because I am afraid to meet new people? What if I miss the most beautiful sight or experience because I'm afraid to venture to far from home? What if I miss out on the blessings God has for me because I'm too afraid of the pain I may endure?

So each day I try to take a step away from fear into life, to do something scary, something hard something out of my comfort zone. It may be invite a lonely teen home for dinner or send out a tweet, maybe invite someone to church. Some days conquering my fear is simply me acknowledging that they exist and coming to terms with the fact that it's ok to be afraid, even for Christians it's ok to be scared, it's ok to have doubts, to be afraid, to not have all the answers. I've spent so many years putting on this strong front because I though that's what a Christian was.

But being Christian isn't about being strong or sure or confident. It's ok to be weak because Jesus is my strength, it's ok to be afraid because Jesus is my courage. I never wanted to admit that I don't have all the answers, I have doubts and fears and worries but it's ok because Christianity isn't about being perfect and having it all together. It's about growing and learning and striving to be a better person, it's about being kind and loving, facing adversity with dignity and grace and it's about knowing and loving Jesus and learning how to please him.